Still drifting.

    I still feel like I am drifting. I have been at my sister-in-laws house for 1 week now. I have seen old pictures of my husband and even one of his mug shots. I was given one of his first baby toys, which was a stuffed mouse wearing a little yellow hat. That mouse is 48 years old. I was also told somethings about my husband that I did not know. 20 years ago my husband's first wife and his 8 year old daughter Heather was killed in a car accident. I never knew this because it brings up painful memories for my husband. I truly understand why he never told me and why he made a cover story about his first wife. My heart aches for him. I can't imagine the pain he has carried for all these years. Now I understand why he treats me as if I am a delicate egg. Now I understand why he is so protective over me. I love my husband I am just frustrated about him not working. I have done everything but get on my knees and beg him.
    I am the proud owner of a almost 3 year old blue nose pit bull. He is my second love after my husband. I refuse to give him up just to get a home. Right now I live in a tent with my dog and 2 cats. I take very good care of my fur babies. I keep hoping that someone will give us a chance to rent a place but after calling over 100 places I am always turned down because of my dogs breed. He is protective of me but he is a love bug who had a rough start in life before I got him. He has every reason to hate people but he does not all he wants is love. I know there has to be some where I can live that won't make me give up my dog.
    I sit here alone with so many feelings running thru me. Part of me wants to cry part of me is just so numb. I want my family to have a safe place. A place for my husband and I to grow old in. I don't want to be homeless forever. I dislike most people and at times I love how quite my home is. To lay in bed at night and hear nothing but frogs and crickets is bliss for me. I love to lay there and know that for that moment life is okay. I know you have to go thru the bad to get to the good. I have faith that we will find something soon.

Hanging in Florida.

    Today is a very new day for me. On last Monday I starting staying with my sister in law. That was my first time actually meeting her in person. I was staying with my ex-husband but after being lied to just to get me to come down I had enough. I suffered a stroke and things were just not going well at all for me. She nicely allowed me to come stay with her and her family. I have gotten to see old pictures of my husband and man did he look just as good as he does now.  I love my husband and I have gotten to see a part of him that i think he is scared to show. He still does not know where exactly I am but if I told him the truth I don't know how he would act if he knew I was with his sister. I am tired of telling all these lies. Hopefully I will be going home on the 15th and hopefully he is willing to change. I don't want to be homeless forever but without him working we will never go any where. What happens if I get pregnant? We need a home and that is all that there is to it.
    I am still sick and I still require a lot of help but I also need a husband that is willing to make sacrifices so we can have a better life. I have gotten to meet one of my husband's nephews and my sister in laws husband. I feel kind of weird around her husband but I tend to feel this way when I am in other's home and I can't give them money or pay for food. I feel so worthless sometimes. Now I know how my husband feel sometimes. Every time I leave him I learn something about myself and my relationship with him. I am 28 years old and often feel like I do not belong and that i am drifting aimlessly with no direction. The only thing I know for sure is I love my husband and our fur babies. Where do I belong?

Starting Over.

    After 3 years of being with my husband Carl, I found out he only married me because I asked him to not because he was in love with me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his days. I have been running for the past 3 years from my true heart. I was doing things that I thought would make other's in my life happy like my parents and my family. I have learned a hard lesson in life. The only person that is truly going to make you happy is yourself. Only you know what it is that is going to truly keep a smile on your lips. I found out that on the 5th of August my brother is moving to Mongolia. He will be there for 1 or more years depending on if he likes it or not. I give him credit he is going even though my mom and dad told him not to go. I guess it kind of has helped me do what I am doing now. I am currently on a Greyhound bus headed to Florida to my ex-husband. He is my soul mate and he completes me. He has never stopped being there for me and I really could care less at this point if my parents don't like him or how he lives. I love him and that is all that matters. I have spent the last 3 years trying to replace him and I know in my heart know one can love me like him. My ex knows how to love me and touch me.
    I lived in Pa for the last 3 years finding excuse after excuse as to why not to just admit I was wrong and tuck my tail and go home. One of my reasons was my friend who I viewed as a mother figure. She is much older that me and I guess I kind of always knew we were not the type of friends I thought we were. I was a friend of convenience. I would of done anything for this woman but she hurt me one to many times. With this and how my husband was treating me I decided to finally go home where I belong. I know it will take time for me to adjust but I am willing to take that time. I know I will have to find where I belong and what kinds of things I like to do but I will and that is all that matters.
    Starting over can be stressful but I am determined to stick it out and allow my ex to truly love me and allow myself to be loved. Not everyone has the guts to know when to back down and start over. I look forward to meeting all the new people and helping out at the local animal shelter.

Some people should not have kids.

    So as I sit here trying so hard to drown out the sounds of this house I am listening to Carrie Underwood's new song Blown Away. Last night was very rough for me. My 7 year old nephew got into some trouble and in my opinion his mom took it to far. Not only was she screaming at him but she threw a bottle of lotion very hard at him and hit him many times with some rolled up papers like you would a dog. At times I want to treat her the way she does my nephews and my brother. I want to make her cry like she does them. When and if I ever have a baby I will Never treat my kid like that. They are this age only once and they are children. They are allowed to make mistakes and to forget things like reading for 30 min or talking to their teacher. I do not think she enjoys being a mom and she feels more like she is trapped then enjoying seeing her kids grow and learn new things. She is from a different country and is here in America and as my mom says she is looking for the American dream. My brother and her have been together for 4 years and he loves her but she treats him like crap. There have been a few times in just the last few days that I have wanted to treat her the way she treats everyone else.
    I love my brother and when we were kids we always had each other's back. Then he got older and left home for the airforce. I missed him so much and apart of me was lost without him. It was not till recent that I really came to terms with this. I had buried the pain so deep but seeing him and coming to his home opened a old wound and I still have not told him how much him leaving me hurt. I know this is part of life and how things work but you would have to understand events that happened before he left.
    When I was in the 6th grade I was molested by my uncle who worked in the church. He used my belief in God and the current loss of my grandfather to get to me. It gradually built from rubbing to touching to beyond. This happened over a year period and at first I thought it was ok because he was comforting me in my time of pain from the death of my grandfather. But when it got to the point that he cornered me and did everything but penetrate me I said hey your my uncle this is not right. My parents where there for a little while for support but after a couple of months I felt all alone. When my brother found out he wanted to go that night an kick my uncle's ass. My brother has always supported me and protected me. After I was molested I lost all sense of who I was and where I belonged. Who I could trust and who was just there to hurt me eventually.
    I have since moved on to some degree and I am still kind of lost. When I was 18 my parents put me out and no matter what I said or did I was not welcomed in there home. I still am not welcomed and since then I have been fighting with homelessness. I don't want to live on the streets but I just can't seem to catch a break. Today is full 3 days I have been at my brothers and since I have been here there has been nothing but drama and screaming and yelling. How can people live like that?

Been awhile.

    So it has been quite some time since I last entered a post so I guess this is a good time to do so. I moved into my brother's home on May 1, 2012. I did this because after leaving his home back in January I have have been searching for a apartment that I can afford and that will take my 2 rescued pit bulls. I guess I should go back to events that have happened since I left my brother's in January. I got married on the 7th of January this is my second time being married. The first time I got married it was all for the wrong reasons and it ended with me having to walk away even thought it broke every part of my heart. To some degree my ex husband will always have a piece of it and I still talk to him. We were together for 7 years and married for 4 of those years. I married my current husband because I do love him but he is not really coming thru in the whole financially taking care of his family. We have no kids but have been trying for one but I think god says I am not ready for one. So for the past 4 months I have been trying to help him get a job and the only time he goes out to put in an application is when I tell him hey this place is hiring or call this number because they are looking for workers. At times I feel like I am his mom and not his wife. He does help me in other ways like when I am to sick to get out of bed he will go and do things for me. About 3 months ago we took in a pit/lab mixed female dog that we ended up naming Raven. She was badly abused and even shot with a bb gun. She is around 8-9 years old. We also have a male blue nose pit bull named Tyson who was used as a fighting dog and for breeding. We have had him for 7 months. Shortly after we got Tyson we adopted 2 kittens that are litter mates one is a male named Pippi and his sister is Elli May.
    My husband knows that I need his help and that in order for us to find a place that will take both dogs he has to have a job and be willing to help with the animals care. He does not buy anything for them everything comes out of my pocket. I was just diagnose with diabetic neuropathy and at time I can not walk due to the pain. 2 of the 4 meds I take to deal with the pain say I can not be in the sun for long periods. The sun and I do not get along to begin with and the heat makes me very sick. So after 4 months of begging everyone I could think of for help I had to make a decision and even though it hurt like hell I packed my bags and came back to my brother's. I will have to be here for at least 4-5 months due to the heat. I am trying to save money and I found out about a program that is suppose to help you get into your own home with low monthly payments and in the end you will own your own home. At this point I will try anything because I do not want to spend another winter in the woods.
    I am so tired of being homeless and I keep telling my husband this but he is not showing any actions to try to find employment on his own. Right now I am taking it one day at a time and trying to find where I fit in. I am really trying to find myself and trying to do what is right for me. I just hope and pray that my husband gets his act together soon.

    So after thinking if I really wanted to continue with this blog I decided I did because I think with me being able to honestly talk about how I feel and and about part of my life that I am still not completely over it will make me be able to heal. So if you are reading this and the things I say upset you well I am sorry well actually I am not because I have a right to feel like I do and the things I talk about are things that I experienced.
    When I was younger things were not always good but who really had a great life all the time. I guess some of my issues started when I was young. I have a dad and I have a father and what I mean by this is that my mom got pregnant with me by a guy who could of cared less if I was his kid and he actually did not want me nor did his family and I have a man who came into my mom's life and adopted 2 kids that were not his and raised us like we were. The my father who I will call the sperm donor was just that he went as far as to tell his family he caught my mom with another man which was a lie and they told my mom that I was the last one they were going to claim. My brother had a very good relationship with that side of the family were I was not allowed to come over unless my grandmother was there which she barely was because she worked and my grandfather was to sick to go to work. So I grew up fighting to show them that I loved them and then my grandfather died before I cold tell him how much I loved him. For a long time I thought his death was my fault because I was not a better granddaughter. When I was 19 years old I went to his grave and sat and cried while I talked to him and told him how I felt and for so many years how I had carried that pain around. When I walked away from his grave I felt so much better like a hole had been filled.
    When I was 12 I was molested by my uncle. I was taught growing up that your family keeps you safe and helps you with your problems so when I got molested it really messed me up in many ways I felt like my mom thought it was my fault and this event really messed me up even though I would not let people in to help me. I think that my parents thought I healed from this but I did not heal till many years after I left home. I took my pain out on thee wrong people and I tried everything I could think of to fill the pain from lieing about being pregnant to saying my dad was beating me to drinking and doing drugs and selling my body. I learned that in life there are few people who are really going to stand by you and love you and help you no matter what you go thru. I think I have found a few people now that will stand by me but the people I used to want to stand by me in the past never really stood up for me.
    I am getting very tired so I am going to wrap this up for tonight. If you are a mom or dad please go to your kid and give him/her a hug and make sure everyday they know that no matter what they say or do that you will never turn your back on them and that you love them. Sometimes your kid needs to hear and feel your love for them don't just think they know.

Just my life....

So I am 27 years old and as the title of my blog says I am homeless or atleast by the standards of the law. I myself do not consider myself homeless but housing impaired. I sometimes love living I learn how